Partner to Enemy: Navigating Your Relationship After Kids

Having a baby often comes with the expectation of joy and happiness. We imagine falling deeply in love with this little baby and feeling even more connected as a family. What happens if parenthood is pulling you away from your partner?

I’ve heard it often from clients, “Why do I hate my partner?”, “I get angry just looking at them now.” This feeling can come as a shock to many people. These feelings can be scary, and they can create this fear of what your relationship will be like moving forward. “Will I feel this way about them forever?”.

Many describe feeling resentment, anger, jealously, or even hatred. These feelings can be hard to talk about with friends or family and even harder to talk about with your partner. If you are having trouble coping with your relationship changing after babies, please know you are not alone.

Let’s dive into factors contributing to these feelings and how to cope with them both individually and as a couple.

Why Do I Hate My Partner?

Relationships are complex so of course, there are many factors impacting your relationship. Whether these feelings onset early postpartum or later with additional kids, it’s vital to understand what is under the surface of these feelings.

Life Turned Upside Down

Let’s be honest, your life is very different than it was pre-kids. This means your relationship was different too. Let’s normalize the relationship changing, it’s inevitable. Of course, you don’t want it to feel this way forever but some change is unavoidable. Once you become even a little bit adjusted in parenthood, it’s easy to assume that everything will level out. Some things take a bit more time and attention.

Fatigue

The endless exhaustion can’t be ignored here. Let’s not forget that it’s challenging for anyone to regulate their emotions when they are sleep deprived or tired in general. You might notice that “little” things are setting off your anger toward your partner, things you could brush off before.

Parenting is a full-time job, even when the kids aren’t near. This can lead to feelings of depletion, and when your own “cup” is empty, there’s very little left for your partner. This leads to less compassion, patience, understanding, and empathy.

Unspoken Expectations

It’s very easy to slip into an argument over mismatched expectations. You assumed your partner was waking up with the kids and they expected the same from you, now you’re both feeling frustrated. This one is easy to miss because each person is operating on their own assumptions and often believes their train of thought is the “right one”.

This can also stem from the expectations you had for your partner as a parent. Maybe you envisioned your partner more hands on with your kids and they’re not showing up in the way you imagined.

On a deeper level, most people are hurt or disappointed in some way by their partner. This often shows up as anger on the surface.

Errors in Communication

Bringing children into your relationship can be somewhat of a reset. Maybe you had a good flow of communication with your partner prior to having kids, the same skills don’t always translate in the way we would hope. This big life change might call for a rework of your communication skills together. What worked before might not be working the same.

For others, maybe the communication has never been as effective as you would hope. For those couples, having kids may have just been the gasoline to these pre-existing issues.  

The Unbalanced Mental Load

Do you feel like the manager of your household, your kids, or even worse, of your partner? If so, this can be a major contributing factor to anger and resentment. While your brain might be buzzing with scheduling haircuts and planning dinner and buying new clothes for the next growth spurt, your partner might be waiting until the next direction is given from you.

This is especially difficult for new parents as dividing the new load is uncharted water. But the biggest challenge here is that this balancing act is always in flux. Your lives change and your children are always in developmental transition, so this is a revolving door of change. Don’t get too comfy.

Downward Spiral of Resentment

When this anger and resentment are left unchecked, it can chip away at the relationship as a whole. The result is a cycle in which each consequence leads to further disconnection and emotional separation.

Think of it this way, if you feel resentful you may not be interested in having sex with your partner. This lack of physical intimacy may lead to feeling even more disconnected. The more disconnected you feel, the more difficult it is to improve your communication and regulate you own emotions. In this cycle, it’s individualized on where it starts (the chicken or the egg situation).

The anger and resentment in your relationship may also have an impact on your children. As parents, we are the main example for our kids reference to romantic relationships. It’s possible your child may be picking up on the tension in your relationship or observing the way you interact with each other.  

What To Do About It

Identify Roots of the Issue

Take some time alone to reflect on what is beneath your resentment and what factors may be contributing. Without this self-reflection, it’s very challenging to take any further action steps. If this feel too overwhelming to do alone, counseling can be a great space for this.

Open Dialogue

After you have identified your own triggers and emotions, it’s time to take this information to your partner. Practice the skill with use of “I Statements”, this places the emphasis on how you feel rather than blame for the other person. Example: “I feel overburdened with managing our family” rather than “you don’t help enough”.

Try you very best to actively listen to your partner’s perspective. When emotions are heightened, it can be challenging to tap into empathy. Make sure to ask for what you are needing specifically. It’s common for action steps to be lost in translation so be direct.

Meeting Your Own Needs

If your anger or resentment is fueled due to lack of self-care, create a plan to take care of you. It’s not easy to do when you are pulled in 10 different directions but putting yourself last has its own drawbacks.

Take ownership of the things within your own control. Just addressing these alone might have a positive impact on your relationship.

Couples Counseling

If doing the steps listed above feels too big to tackle or if you just feel stuck, couples counseling can be a helpful resource. Don’t discount the power of having an objective person help to identify and work through the unhelpful relationship patterns.

There is still a stigma around couples counseling. Going to couples counseling is not a poor reflection of you, your partner, or your relationship. Please know that the longer the problem festers, the harder it will be to unravel. Do yourself a favor, and don’t wait to ask for help!

Get Back on Track

Of course your relationship is going to change after having kids, and along the way. The goal is for you and your partner to be able to navigate those challenges together and find your way to the other side.

If you are knee deep in anger and resentment right now please know, you are not alone and it does not have to feel like this forever. It may take some TLC to get back on track but hopefully soon you can look back on this and feel relief.

Ready To Explore Couples Therapy?

We know starting counseling can be scary. If you have any questions about couples counseling, please utilize a free 15-minute consultation to ease the anxiety!

Feel free to reach out here to get scheduled and let’s work toward change together!