25 Couples Therapy Questions to Be Prepared For

There’s no doubt that coming to couples therapy can be intimidating. How are you supposed to know what to expect? For those who have not been to therapy at all, most examples come from TV and movies, and we know these are not always accurate.

Of course, one of the many benefits of therapy is that our questions are individualized for you! However, there are definitely some common questions that you may hear, especially in the first few sessions.

Let’s review some of the questions that may be asked during couples therapy. Hopefully, this helps lessen the anxiety by providing more information about what to expect.

 Please remember that when a counselor asks a question, you are not required to answer. You are allowed to set your own boundaries regarding topics you wish to discuss or avoid.

1. What brings you to therapy?

   It’s an important starting point. Sometimes, this answer can be different for each partner in the relationship, and that’s okay!

2. What are your goals for couples therapy?

   There is real benefit to defining the details with this one. You might say “better communication” but we will work together to break it down into what that means. It’s okay if you don’t have this answer perfectly curated. We are here to help you explore.

3. How do you handle and resolve conflicts currently?

   We are looking for a snapshot at both your conflict resolution skills. It can be helpful to explore a recent conflict for context. It’s important to get a good idea of each person’s strengths and weaknesses related to conflict.

4. How would you rate the trust in the relationship?

   Is the level of trust you have for your partner where you want it to be? Has the trust changed over time in the relationship for better or worse?

5. What helps you to build or rebuild trust?

   If trust has been broken, building it back is not a copy and paste blueprint. What each person needs to feel trust again is individualized. Together we can explore these needs.

6. What is one change you would like to see in your partner?

   No one is perfect, but this question can help to prioritize what is most important or impactful.

7. Before coming to counseling, what else have you done to try to achieve your goals together?

   Tell us all about the other things you have tried (e.g., scheduling sex, more date nights, taking an online course together, weekly sit-down discussions, etc.). We want to know what helped or did not help the relationship.

8. What do you love most about each other?

   A lot of these questions focus on what’s not going well in the relationship. We are just as interested in what is going well! This helps us utilize a strengths-based perspective and view these strengths as assets.

9. What are you not getting out of your relationship?

   Relationships are so complex and ever-changing. The needs of each individual and the relationship as a whole change overtime. This is an opportunity to take inventory of which cups are low.

10. When have you felt most happy or content in the relationship?

    Think back to a period of time when you felt the relationship was in a good or better place. Together, we can examine what was different. Maybe there is something we can learn from looking back on these memories. 

11. What is your individual history with anxiety, depression, trauma, etc.?

    We can’t ignore how your individual mental health factors into the relationship.

12. What are your goals for the future of the relationship?

    It’s helpful to talk about what your vision for the future is and if this vision is the same for both partners.

13. If you achieved your goals in therapy, what would be different in your relationship?

    Imagine your ideal life- what would it look like? What would look or feel different? Paint a clear picture of the changes you envision.

14. What communication patterns do you notice?

    Relationships often exhibit patterns in communication. We want to hear about both the helpful and unhelpful communication patterns.

15. How do you want to be shown love?

    Your partner may need to hear what makes you feel most loved. Knowing this as therapists can help us identify ways partners may be missing each other’s love languages.

16. How do you show your love and affection?

    With this question, we are trying to decipher if there is a disconnect between the way you show love to your partner and what makes them feel most loved.

17. How did you meet?

    Tell us all about where the journey started!

18. How do you handle stress both individually and as a couple?

    Outside stressors can put strain on relationships. We want to know what those stressors are and how they may creep into the relationship. 

19. What is your level of satisfaction with your sex life and intimacy?

    Talking about your sex life is common in therapy but especially relevant in couples therapy. No matter what, we are not here to judge!

20. How do you make decisions together?

    Regardless of the intentional or unintentional system you use to make decisions, it’s important to evaluate if it’s serving you as a couple.

21. What unresolved issues could benefit from being addressed in therapy?

    Maybe there are events in the past that still impact your relationship today. Therapy can be a safe space to revisit these emotional memories.

22. What makes you feel most connected to your partner?

    There is a lot to learn from the good times in a relationship. Let’s examine what has worked in the past and why.

23. What past experiences have had an impact on your relationship?

    We want to know if there has been any trauma that could be playing a role in the current relationship struggles. These experiences can go back as far as childhood or be recent. 

24. How would you describe your conflict style as individuals and as a couple?

    Having a clear picture of your conflict styles will allow counselors to create a tailored plan to fit your needs as a couple.

25. Have you been to couples therapy before? What did you gain or learn from this? 

    We are interested to know what this experience has been like for you in the past. If there is anything you did or didn’t like from past experiences, this information can help us be more effective. 

As mentioned earlier, we know starting counseling can be scary. If you have any questions about couples counseling, please utilize a free 15-minute consultation to ease the anxiety!

Feel free to reach out here to get scheduled and work toward change together!

5 Benefits of Infertility Counseling

Many people may think of infertility in terms of a medical diagnosis, but it encompasses much more than that. This experience can deeply affect various aspects of life, including social interactions, emotional well-being, relationships, and even work. It’s essential to address each of the affected areas to fully understand and cope with the impact of infertility.

Every infertility journey is unique, but one thing is universally true: the journey comes with a rollercoaster of emotions.  Working with a therapist who understands the complexities of infertility can be a vital resource. 

During a time when your world is turned upside down and you are busy enough, you may be wondering, “what’s the benefit of infertility counseling?” Let’s dive in and find out!

A Safe Space for Anger and Jealousy (and Many Other Emotions)

Your best friend is pregnant, and you just received the invitation to her shower. You feel a surge of anger. Then the guilt sets in, and you think, “I shouldn’t feel angry; she’s my best friend- I should be happy for her!”

This is just one example, but for people going though infertility, reminders of pregnancy, children, and parenthood are everywhere.

Most people tend to suppress that anger because they believe they “shouldn’t” feel it. Counseling can provide a safe space where you can express all those angry thoughts. Be angry; say the mean thing- get it out.

For many, what we uncover is that it’s often easier to be angry than it is to feel sad or devastated. The takeaway here is that you are not a horrible person for feeling angry or having these thoughts.

Together, we can explore the duality of emotions and the idea of feeling multiple emotions at once. You can feel both anger and joy for your friend. This realization can help reduce the guilt that often follows anger. You have enough on your plate- let’s lighten the load where we can.

Figure Out What to Do with the Avalanche of Emotions

It’s no surprise that the journey of infertility comes with a variety of heavy emotions. Aside from trying to ignore these feelings or staying busy enough to distract yourself, what are you supposed to do with them?

There is no right answer for how to deal with these emotions, but there are many options! In therapy, we can explore together to find the tools that work best for you.  There is no one-size-fits-all approach; it’s a trial-and-error process, but you’ll have guidance from a professional.

I often reference a metaphorical “toolbox” of coping skills with clients. In this analogy, the therapist provides support by laying all the tools in front of you, instructing you on how to use them, and tailoring their application to your needs.

Better Communication with Your Partner

There is no denying that struggles with infertility can cause disconnection in the relationship between partners. When stress is high (for any reason), this has the potential to leak into relationships.

Working on communication can help improve your individual mental health and the quality of the relationship.

Individually

Individually in therapy, we can work to clearly define your concerns, fears, or hopes. Becoming clear on what you want and being able to communicate it can make a difference.

Couples Therapy

Attending couples therapy or coming together for sessions intermittently can be a game changer. Counselors can help to facilitate difficult conversations between partners. The ability to be objective and see your relationship from the outside allows counselors to spot areas for improvement more easily.

Improve Understanding

Misunderstandings in communication can lead to unwanted conflicts. Let’s try to reduce misunderstanding by intentionally creating time to sift through each perspective. You might struggle to see your partner’s viewpoint, and counselors can help to break it down in a different way.

Learn to Reexamine Your Control

One aspect of infertility that makes it so difficult is the lack of control. It’s hard to wrap your head around not having control over such a vital part of your life.

There can be benefit in shifting focus toward what IS within your control. There are many things still within your control, and these can help make positive shifts in your mental health, such as the boundaries you create, how you respond to your emotions, the support you utilize, and your self-talk.

Here is a reminder: the mental shift toward what is within your control does not have to erase the hardship of the things out of your control. The goal here is to create space for both. 

Objective Help for Decision Making

Not many people expect to experience infertility. The journey can take many unexpected twists and turns. Even though each journey is unique, each one involves decision-making.

With such an important topic in your life, these decisions can’t be made lightly. The stakes for decision-making feel at an all-time high, and this is paired with an emotionally vulnerable time in your life, making even the most decisive person struggle with decisions.

Therapy can help by providing time to explore your personal values and goals. These values will guide your decision-making, enabling you to make the most informed and intentional choice.

Julianne Peters is here to help you through your infertility journey to overcome symptoms of anxiety and depression. Feel free to reach out to Julianne to get scheduled and work together!

Why Do I Feel Guilty All the Time as a Mom?

It’s 3AM and you’re lying in bed thinking of all the ways you messed up as a mom today. You can feel the heavy sense of guilt in your gut. Guilt is such a common emotion in motherhood it now has its own label - mom guilt.

How is it that moms do SO much for everyone but still have pervasive guilt following them? It’s a math equation that doesn’t add up.

Top Reasons Moms Feel Guilt: Understanding the Emotional Burden

• Perfectionism

  Have you stopped to evaluate the expectations of yourself? Most of us rationally know we can’t be perfect, but that doesn’t stop those engrained perfectionistic patterns. Perfectionism can be sneaky and if we don’t stop to take inventory of what we expect from ourselves, the guilt will likely continue to follow.

•  Outside expectations for moms

  There’s no denying we live in a world where the expectations on moms are extremely high and suffocating. No matter what stage of parenting we are in, there is always room to “do it better”. The world tells us we should be able to maintain a full time job, tend to our children’s every need - perfectly, while also keeping our own mind and body in the best shape. 

•  Shifting Emotions

  The emotional changes that occur in pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood set the stage for increased guilt. Moms are overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and have less time for themselves. These factors alone can serve as gasoline, igniting a fire of guilt and lower self-esteem.

• Comparison

  We all know that comparing ourselves to others is not helpful, but we can’t stop it. Especially in today’s world where there are millions of examples on social media. This mom threw her son an over the top birthday party, that mom doesn’t work and spends all the quality time with her kids, and another mom’s house is always tidy. There’s no denying that comparison leaves us feeling inadequate and guilty a lot of the time.

One thing to remember is that the guilty feeling itself is not the problem, and not something we can fully avoid. What is more important is how we respond to the guilt when it appears.

Strategies For Coping with Mom Guilt

•  Identify the feeling of guilt and the trigger

  This sounds simplistic but take a few minutes to try and pinpoint the emotion and what event or thoughts might have triggered this feeling. If you don’t do this first step, it’s challenging to effectively cope.

•  Examine the expectations you have for yourself

  Pause and ask yourself what you expected for yourself and if this was realistic? Maybe dig a little deeper to ask yourself why you expect that of yourself?

•  Respond with compassion

  Many people become irritated with themselves for thinking and feeling “irrationally” but all this does is contribute to the distress. Validate the feelings you have by saying “it makes sense why I feel guilty” “it’s ok that my perfectionism shows up sometimes”. Try to talk to yourself the way you might respond to a good friend.

•  Give yourself permission to be imperfect

  This is a tough one. It might be uncomfortable and you don’t have to like it. Accepting you can’t be and do everything might give you the emotional leeway you need.

• Reexamine your values

  Since we have now accepted we can’t be and do everything, we have to decide what is priority. Stop to examine what is most important to you and your family.

• Ask for help

  Remember it’s fine to outsource services like cleaning, laundry, food delivery. When in doubt, look into your social supports and ask for help!

If you feel lost or need help figuring out how to cope with guilt, therapy can be a great starting place. You do not have to wait to be in an emotional crisis to begin therapy!

Let’s begin taking preventative small steps toward our mental health and set the best examples for our children.

Julianne Peters is here to help pregnant people and parents overcome symptoms of anxiety and depression so they can enjoy parenthood. Reach out to Julianne to get scheduled and work toward change together!

Postpartum Anxiety: Common, But Not Normal

As a therapist with a focus in perinatal mental health counseling, I’m often talking about postpartum anxiety. There has been so much improvement in the discussions around the post-partum period, which has been necessary.

Let’s Talk About Anxiety In Motherhood

Are we talking enough about how anxiety permeates throughout motherhood? Even though anxiety related to pregnancy and the post-partum period can be debilitating, it doesn’t mean the anxiety stops after these milestones.

No matter what stage of parenthood you are in, there will always be something to worry about!

The world of mental health has taken huge strides over time. The first milestone has been making a safe environment for people to talk about their emotions and struggles, and we have seen the progress here!

Postpartum In Action: Real Life Examples

Learning that our friends and other moms have anxiety too can be such a relief and make us feel less alone. The next hurdle is learning that these anxiety symptoms are COMMON but not NORMAL.

Let’s use examples. Think of this hypothetical group of friends:

• This friend isolates because they are too anxious to bring their toddler out in public for fear of meltdowns.

• That friend can’t fall asleep because her teen is out with friends and struggling with the lack of control over her child’s safety.

• Another, is a new mom who checks to make sure their baby is breathing every 30 minutes.

• The last one says they can’t stop worrying about their kid’s social life and if they are doing enough to help.

• In all of these examples, it is 100% valid to feel fearful of your child’s safety, wellbeing, health, and behaviors. The goal is not to eliminate anxiety altogether, it’s to try to decrease the impact on your life.

When hearing stories from other parents about their anxieties, we are often left with the message to just push through or endure it. The message often unconsciously spread through parenthood is “that’s the job.”

It Is true that parenthood is one of the most challenging ongoing transitions in life. There’s an ebb and flow to parenthood that lulls us into a brief sense of security, only to have the hammer fall at the next growth spurt.

Let’s think about an example outside of parenthood for comparison. Maybe you lost your job, do you sit in the misery of this loss forever and just accept that you can’t have another job? You can take this route if you choose but it may not be the best choice for your mental health.

Same goes for parenting, maybe you feel so anxious about bedtime with your child but there are steps you can take to lessen this anxiety!

There is a big difference between validating our feelings of anxiety and bathing in a tub of anxiety.

What type of action we take depends on the sources of our anxiety and these actions can include: establishing boundaries, open communication, relaxation skills, emotion regulation, challenging and reframing your thoughts, taking time for yourself, affirming and validating yourself, learning to say “no”, etc.

People often talk about “seasons” of parenthood. Each season of parenthood comes with its own unique sources of stress. There are two takeaways from this “seasons” metaphor, the first is that the thing(s) that are creating anxiety for you currently, are most likely temporary.

There will come a day when you don’t have to participate in bath time with your child and this can be both a relief and a loss at the same time.

The second take away is that even though your current anxiety may be temporary, we can assume there will be some new stressor in the next phase of parenting.

My hope in saying this is not to create a hopelessness for the future, it’s to know that there will always be difficult parts of parenting and feeling confident that we know how to ride these waves.

If you feel lost or need help figuring out how to ride your waves of anxiety, therapy can a great starting place. You do not have to wait to be in an emotional crisis to begin therapy! Let’s begin taking small steps to be preventative toward our mental health and set the best examples for our children.

Julianne Peters is here to help pregnant people and parents overcome symptoms of anxiety and depression so they can enjoy parenthood. Feel free to reach out to Julianne to get scheduled and work toward change together!