Holiday Survival Guide for Mom

Whether you enjoy the holidays or not, most of us feel some level of pressure during this season. There is a lot of hype about what we are “supposed” to do to make it a magical time. How are we supposed to maintain our sanity, keep everyone happy, and check all the holiday boxes at the same time?

Holidays with kids look different in both amazing and challenging ways. There can be so much joy in experiencing the holidays with your kids. On the other hand, how are we supposed to keep our traditions and schedules with these littles who are unpredictable?

Even if you have the best family in the world, family dynamics can contribute to the stress of the holiday season. Everyone has their own expectations for what is “right”, and sometimes these expectations don’t align.  

Let’s get into the details of how to prioritize yourself and how to deal with difficult emotions that may arise as a result.

Pre-Baby Holiday vs Post-Baby Holiday

Let’s be honest- whether you have kids or not the holidays can come with stress. But we can’t ignore that the stressors impacting parents around the holidays are unique. Whether you are a new mom or a seasoned mom, one challenge is that your kid(s) are developmentally in a different place than last holiday season. There is no cut and paste here.

Prior to having kids, there’s more flexibility. Now, we are working around nap and feeding schedules, routines, bedtime transitions, and potentially sleeping in a new place. Your Aunt’s holiday party starts at one o’clock, but this is right in the middle of nap time! Do you risk an overtired baby or do you risk upsetting your Aunt by being late? Feels like a lose-lose.

You might even find yourself battling old traditions vs new ones. Maybe you’re a new mom and have always envisioned staying home with your partner and kid(s) for the holiday, and this conflicts with the usual tradition of going to visit your in-laws. You might find it difficult to shift the plans and worry about upsetting other people.

If you have people in your life who understand and support the ways you chose to adapt to your kids, that’s amazing! But not everyone understands or respects this choice. It can be anxiety-producing to feel like you are possibly being judged for how you choose to spend your holiday time.

People-Pleasing

A lot of this boils down to people-pleasing. Many of us struggle to prioritize our own needs. Even if you have strengthened your skills in challenging people-pleasing in the past, flexing that muscle in parenthood is a new skill.

I am not here to paint a picture of what you “should” or “should not” prioritize. I am here to empower you to prioritize what is best for you and your family, rather than what makes other’s happy.

It can be hard to think about disappointing people when we change the plans. This emotional struggle is doubled because of the guilt around the holidays. You might think “I can’t leave my parents alone on the holidays,” “We usually stay the night; will they be mad if we leave?” “People will think I’m mean if I say they can’t hold my baby,” or “All my kid will eat is chicken nuggets- will people judge me as a mom?”

What If I Don’t Put Myself First?

Always, and especially during the holiday season, you are probably playing multiple roles in your life.

You might be carrying the mental load of planning the holiday menus, making sure your kids have a special holiday filled with joyful events, coordinating the upcoming holiday parties, and making sure no friend or family member gets left behind.

Consequences of Not Prioritizing Yourself

Feeling Resentment

Ignoring your own needs for others, especially when this is done regularly, often leads to resentment. The trickle effect of this is that the resentment is bound to have a negative impact on the relationship.

This puts you between a rock and a hard place: try to please the other person and feel resentment or prioritize myself and deal with possible guilt or anxiety as a result. These are the toughest choices when both come with their own emotional hardship.

Anxiety and Stress

When we push ourselves beyond our limits or do things we don’t want to do, this leads to inevitable stress and anxiety.

Disappointment

The overall goal here is for everyone to have the holiday season they desire and hopefully avoid our own disappointment where we can. But this won’t happen unless you prioritize yourself and your needs.

Helpful Hints for Boundaries

Get Clear on your Priorities

Take some time to reflect on what is important to you over the holiday season. Is it quality time at home with your kids? Avoiding illness and limiting your kids exposure? Spending time with people who make you and your kids feel good? Limiting your stress levels?

Here’s your reminder that you cannot do it all. Make sure the expectations you have for yourself are realistic.

Directly Communicate

Once you have figured out what you want (or don’t want), then it’s important to communicate this. Try your best to be direct and not speak vaguely. For those deeply rooted people pleasers, this direct communication is going to feel mean. Try rehearsing what you want to say with someone you trust.

Get Comfy with “No”

This can be a tough one. When I say “get comfy” I really mean- learn how to tolerate the discomfort that comes along with saying “no”. You may never be comfortable with it, and that’s okay. Think of the long term benefits for yourself versus the immediate discomfort that arises.  

Coping with Emotions

Make sure you have a few coping skills in your toolbox. These tools can come in handy with standard holiday stress or when you are struggling with enforcing your boundaries with family. Tuning into your self-talk is important, and tuning into how anxiety is showing up in your body (tension, shakiness, headache, restlessness, etc.) can be helpful.

Don’t Forget…

Learning to say no and coping with the emotions that come as a result is not something you can expect yourself to master in one day. For most people, this skill takes time and takes a good support system for validation. At the end of the day, you need to believe your needs matter and that you are allowed to disappoint other people.

I am here to give you permission to do what you need for yourself this holiday season. Remember to think of the big picture, beyond the immediate emotional distress. When you think back on the holidays with your nuclear family, what choice will leave you with a content feeling?

Asking for Help

As stated before, prioritizing yourself in motherhood is no easy feat, and you are not alone in these struggles. The hard part about it is it’s a revolving door that continues to change!

Please don’t hesitate to reach out for support this holiday season. You do not have to go through this alone and deserve space for your needs.

Motherhood is a tough job so, if there is an area where the load can be lighter, let’s dig in.

Julianne Peters is here to help you overcome symptoms of anxiety and depression during your journey in motherhood.  Feel free to reach out to Julianne to get scheduled and work together!