Why Do I Feel Guilty All the Time as a Mom?

It’s 3AM and you’re lying in bed thinking of all the ways you messed up as a mom today. You can feel the heavy sense of guilt in your gut. Guilt is such a common emotion in motherhood it now has its own label - mom guilt.

How is it that moms do SO much for everyone but still have pervasive guilt following them? It’s a math equation that doesn’t add up.

Top Reasons Moms Feel Guilt: Understanding the Emotional Burden

• Perfectionism

  Have you stopped to evaluate the expectations of yourself? Most of us rationally know we can’t be perfect, but that doesn’t stop those engrained perfectionistic patterns. Perfectionism can be sneaky and if we don’t stop to take inventory of what we expect from ourselves, the guilt will likely continue to follow.

•  Outside expectations for moms

  There’s no denying we live in a world where the expectations on moms are extremely high and suffocating. No matter what stage of parenting we are in, there is always room to “do it better”. The world tells us we should be able to maintain a full time job, tend to our children’s every need - perfectly, while also keeping our own mind and body in the best shape. 

•  Shifting Emotions

  The emotional changes that occur in pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood set the stage for increased guilt. Moms are overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and have less time for themselves. These factors alone can serve as gasoline, igniting a fire of guilt and lower self-esteem.

• Comparison

  We all know that comparing ourselves to others is not helpful, but we can’t stop it. Especially in today’s world where there are millions of examples on social media. This mom threw her son an over the top birthday party, that mom doesn’t work and spends all the quality time with her kids, and another mom’s house is always tidy. There’s no denying that comparison leaves us feeling inadequate and guilty a lot of the time.

One thing to remember is that the guilty feeling itself is not the problem, and not something we can fully avoid. What is more important is how we respond to the guilt when it appears.

Strategies For Coping with Mom Guilt

•  Identify the feeling of guilt and the trigger

  This sounds simplistic but take a few minutes to try and pinpoint the emotion and what event or thoughts might have triggered this feeling. If you don’t do this first step, it’s challenging to effectively cope.

•  Examine the expectations you have for yourself

  Pause and ask yourself what you expected for yourself and if this was realistic? Maybe dig a little deeper to ask yourself why you expect that of yourself?

•  Respond with compassion

  Many people become irritated with themselves for thinking and feeling “irrationally” but all this does is contribute to the distress. Validate the feelings you have by saying “it makes sense why I feel guilty” “it’s ok that my perfectionism shows up sometimes”. Try to talk to yourself the way you might respond to a good friend.

•  Give yourself permission to be imperfect

  This is a tough one. It might be uncomfortable and you don’t have to like it. Accepting you can’t be and do everything might give you the emotional leeway you need.

• Reexamine your values

  Since we have now accepted we can’t be and do everything, we have to decide what is priority. Stop to examine what is most important to you and your family.

• Ask for help

  Remember it’s fine to outsource services like cleaning, laundry, food delivery. When in doubt, look into your social supports and ask for help!

If you feel lost or need help figuring out how to cope with guilt, therapy can be a great starting place. You do not have to wait to be in an emotional crisis to begin therapy!

Let’s begin taking preventative small steps toward our mental health and set the best examples for our children.

Julianne Peters is here to help pregnant people and parents overcome symptoms of anxiety and depression so they can enjoy parenthood. Reach out to Julianne to get scheduled and work toward change together!