Sundown Struggles with Anxiety

You notice the sun starting to go down, and out of nowhere, you notice anxiety creep into your body. Your feel a pit in your stomach as if something bad is about to happen but on the surface, there are no problems. This is what we call the sundown scaries.

There are several reasons why so many moms feel this specific type of anxiety. Although it’s common to experience this, this doesn’t mean you just have to grit and bear your way through it. Let’s learn why you might be feeling this and what to do when it appears!

Why Do I Feel This Way?

The Battle of Bedtime

No matter how old your kids are, bedtime can be stressful. Older kids ask for bedtime snacks, throw tantrums, and make endless bathroom trips. Little babies transitioning from the witching hour to bedtime, shushing and rocking endlessly.

Oftentimes, moms will say they feel less anxious and happy during the day and it can feel dreadful to know that nighttime is creeping closer and closer. This can be especially true if your kid(s) have a hard time transitioning to sleep or staying asleep.

One main source of the sundown scaries can be the worry of your child staying asleep. Is it going to be a good night? Are they going to wake up often? “I hope it’s better than it was last night because I’m so tired”. Fear of the unknown feels like a real threat here.

Let’s not forget that once the kids are in bed, this is some of the only time we have to ourselves! Whether you are sunk into the couch scrolling on your phone or trying to chip away at your to-do list, it’s dependent on your kid(s) staying asleep. It can be anxiety-producing to think of this time being stolen from you.

Your Brain Is Just Getting Started

Many people who experience anxiety will say they notice their symptoms the most in the evening. Even though you might feel some anxiety during the day, once the day slows down and there are fewer distractions, the anxiety becomes louder.

Once this becomes somewhat of a pattern, you may develop this dread for the evening knowing that your anxiety will be increasing. It’s anxiety about having anxiety.

Even if everyone is asleep, your thoughts might sound like “I feel like I’m forgetting something,” “Did I pack a good enough lunch for her?” “Is the front door locked?”

Let’s not forget to mention the newborn or infant stage where you are glued to the monitor trying to track your baby’s breathing. All you want is for your baby to sleep but once they are asleep, you have a new set of worries.

Mom Guilt

As mentioned above, the quiet nature of nighttime can make some of our brains run 100mph. Oftentimes for moms, these thoughts can be a cycle of self-doubt and negative self-talk.

“Did I play with them enough?” “Did they watch too much TV with the babysitter?” “I’m so mean for snapping at them during dinner” “I’m feeding them too much junk food”. The thoughts feel endless.

What can really make the flames of this self-doubt grow is the comparison to other moms. You might be scrolling on social media and see the mom who cooked her children the most nutritious dinner and think “why can’t I do that?”. All of these anxious thoughts serve as a self-propelling cycle.

Loneliness

It’s 3 AM, your toddler or baby wakes up again and you are sitting in a dark room trying to get them back to bed. The rest of the world is soundly asleep while you are alone and anxious. It can be so isolating.

It’s easy to feel a sense of urgency to get this kid back to bed as fast as possible. Not only are you tired and trying to get as much sleep as possible, but we also want to fast-forward this feeling of loneliness.  

If waking up throughout the night with your kid(s) is a routine practice for you, it’s easy to get trapped in the thought of “is it going to be like this forever?” It can be so dreadful to think of being stuck in this feeling long-term.

What to Do With These Feelings?

Buddy System

Find yourself a support system of other moms. It can be so helpful to know you are not alone. Think about messaging each other during those middle-of-the-night wakings or giving each other a pep talk before starting your bedtime routine.  

Your friend sent you a message at 1AM, and you see the message when you are up at 3 AM. This helps to decrease that feeling of isolation.

Regulating Your Body

We have to intervene in the anxiety cycle at some point. Here’s what you notice in your body: muscles are tight, heart is beating fast, breathing is speeding up, feeling restless, etc. If we don’t stop to address these issues, the cycle continues.

Take a few brief minutes to take some deep breaths, practice some progressive muscle relaxation, or use some grounding tools. Regulating your body will help to regulate your emotions.

Call It Out

When you notice this feeling creep in, stop and acknowledge what is happening. Whether out loud or in your head, say something like, “I’m feeling the sundown scaries; this is really uncomfortable, but I know it’s a temporary feeling”. 

Notice Catastrophizing

Pay attention to the way you are talking to yourself about bedtime or nighttime. Does it sound like “this is going to be a terrible night” or “they are never going to go to bed”?  

Try to switch the thought to acknowledge the fear rather than stating it as a fact. This might sound like “I’m afraid it’s going to be a hard night, but I don’t know how it’s going to go”.

Affirmations

Think about how important you are to your child. You are their everything, and while this can be suffocating at times, it’s also really special. You are the comfort and the safety for this person.

During these rough evenings, remember that these little things mean the world to your kid.

It can be helpful to have some affirmations written down to read when the sundown scaries hit. Examples are:

“I am capable and can handle this moment”

“We will both eventually sleep”

“I am doing my best, and that is enough”

“This feeling is temporary”

“I know I am not alone”

“The morning time will eventually come”

Asking for Help

The next time the sundown scaries hit, you’ll know exactly what to do and be ready.

Please know that if the sundown scaries or anxiety in motherhood becomes too heavy, there are options for help. You do not have to suffer through this experience. Motherhood is a tough job so, if there is an area where the load can be lighter, let’s dig in.

Julianne Peters is here to help you overcome symptoms of anxiety and depression during your journey in motherhood.  Feel free to reach out to Julianne to get scheduled and work together!