Single, but Ready for Babies

Some people have dreamt of being parents their whole life. For others, the desire to be a parent clicks later in life. Either way, we often envision parenting alongside a partner.

You feel the pressure of the biological clock ticking but are a bit stuck on the finding a partner part. Society tells us that we are supposed to find the partner before having children. But what if life isn’t going in the order you expected?

It’s devastating to have to entertain those thoughts that question “What if I never have kids?” “What if I don’t meet my person?” “What if, by the time I meet my partner, my biological clock has run out?” “What will people think of me if I choose not to have kids?”

Whatever decision you choose to make is deeply personal and there is no “right” or “wrong” choice. It’s okay not to know what road to take and it’s normal to needs some help navigating these times.

Regardless of the road you take, let’s talk about exactly why being at this crossroads is so difficult and what to do about it.

Baby Fever

Your social media timeline is full of people you know getting engaged, married, or pregnant. It seems like the whole world is moving along in life but you feel stuck.

It’s so challenging and heartbreaking to see the younger kids in the family or your friend’s children and feel this longing inside you for your own kid(s). You love the kids in your life but spending time with them leaves this gaping hole of disappointment and jealousy inside.

The pressure you feel is twofold: first, because you’re eager to reach the stage of life you’ve been dreaming about for so long, and second, you know the biological clock is real and impossible to ignore.

It can be infuriating to know where you want to be in life but have circumstances outside of your control keep you from getting what you want.

Self-Doubt

When the life you want is different than the life you have, it’s natural to try to problem solve. This self-reflection can be helpful to an extent but it’s easy to cross over into self-doubt.

You might find yourself second guessing yourself by saying  “are my standards too high?” “should I have stayed with that last partner I was with?”, “am I good enough?” “maybe I’m not meant to be a parent”.

This self-doubt spiral can easily become its own barrier to our desired life. How you talk to yourself matters. This self-talk really does have an impact on the choice you make and how you behave.

Additionally, the pressure you feel can be its own catalyst for anxiety and depression symptoms. The more pressure you feel, the harder it might be to feel good about yourself. Especially if you have a history of negative self-talk or self-doubt.  

Fear of Loneliness

There is a double sided grief for someone in this position. There is the fear of being alone forever coupled with the fear of not having children at all or in the way they imagined. It can be so difficult to hold onto the hope that your time will come.

The movies tell us the ideal is to marry our high school sweetheart, build a family short after, and live the happiest life. It doesn’t always work out like this. But what happens when you’re ready, yet your life hasn’t caught up yet?

This loneliness is not only tied to a partner but loneliness in the future without kids. You might have envisioned your retired life at 70 spending time with your adult children and grandchildren. Now even this vision is crumbling in our mind.

Grief

You had this picture of what your life would look like by the time you were 35 years old. It’s a few weeks before your 35th birthday and it’s weighing heavy because you feel nowhere near where you wanted to be by the time you were 35. Then this realization keeps occurring year after year.

You are constantly battling feelings of grief and acceptance.  One of the hardest things about grieving the life you imagined is the constant need to reevaluate this grief.

You accept for this moment that things are not how you want them to be but hold out hope that this will change. When it doesn’t change, we have to go back into processing mode and come out on the other end somewhere in the land of acceptance in order to move forward.

You might start considering the option of being a single parent. This is a whole new picture to wrap your head around. While being a single parent can be liberating for some, it can seem daunting for others. It can feel scary to go out on a limb without the support of a partner you imagined.

There are many factors to consider- finances, lifestyle, emotions, support, and logistics. It’s not a decision to be made lightly. The only thing you know for sure is you want to be a parent but the rest is more complicated than you imagined.

Managing the Stress

How are you supposed to successfully cope with something that feels so heavy? Let me remind you that coping doesn’t mean you are symptom-free and your worries no longer bother you. It’s similar to riding out a wave. We can’t ignore that the wave is happening, but we can try to ride it out as effectively as possible.

Validation

First things first, you need to know that the things you want are valid. It’s easy to try to convince yourself that you “should” feel differently or “should” get over it. Don’t allow anyone (including yourself) to talk you out of your feelings here.

Self-compassion

Tune into the way you are talking to yourself and evaluate if these thoughts need some TLC. As discussed earlier, it’s easy to slip into self-doubt under these circumstances.

Challenge the timeline

Give yourself permission to do life at your own pace. When your life looks different than the people around you, it’s easy to think you are doing it wrong. There are many avenues to parenthood, it’s okay to create your own path.

Allowing yourself to grieve

Here is your reminder that grief usually doesn’t have an end point. Please don’t place pressure on yourself to get to the finish line of grieving and “move on”. Grief for the life you imagined will ebb and flow overtime, that’s okay.

Lean on support

Find yourself a strong support system to lean on during this time. This can include: friends, family, co-workers, support groups, counseling. Riding this wave is going to feel a bit lighter when you have people in your corner.

The Takeaway

Feeling ready to be a parent but feeling held back by your relationship status can feel devastating. The path you are walking is difficult and tiresome but you are capable of making it through.

Remember that you can hold space for multiple emotions at one time. You can feel both hopeful for the future and disappointed for the current circumstance.

Ready for Help?

As mentioned earlier, therapy can be a great source of support during this period of life where you feel stuck. No matter what road you end up taking—whether toward or away from parenthood—the therapists at Blue Lemon Counseling can be part of the support system to help get you there!

If you have any questions about counseling, please utilize a free 15-minute consultation to ease the anxiety! Please don’t hesitate to reach out and see how we can help.

Feel free to reach out here to get scheduled and let’s work on coping with the lemons life throws your way!