What to Say (and NOT say) to Someone Who Is Struggling
We have all been there; someone we know is going through a hard time and it’s heartbreaking to see. You want to do or say something but you don’t know what is the “right” thing to do. In this post, we are going to cover what might be helpful to say and the things you may want to steer clear of.
True Empathy
Before we talk about what to do and not do, let’s talk about empathy. Here’s an example: If someone we know is stressed because of their job, it’s our role to hear about their experience. It’s important not to compare their experience to something we know and label it as better or worse. Please keep in mind that everyone’s experiences are different.
Approaching the situation with this open mind can help provide the most effective support.
Being Present
Don’t underestimate the power of just being there for your person. You might not feel like that’s “enough”. Sometimes just getting coffee, sitting together on the couch or going for a walk is a great way to show support.
Helpful Things to Say
“It makes sense you feel that way”
It can be helpful to validate feelings. Remember that validation doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s you acknowledging how they feel and helping them feel seen.
“Do you want advice or just want me to listen?”
This question can help set expectations for how to respond. People aren’t always looking for advice or wanting to solve the problem. Sometimes people just want to vent.
“I’m thinking of you, no response is needed”
Sending your friend a message and giving them permission to not respond can help alleviate pressure for them and possible guilt.
“I want to help, let me know which of these options work for you”
What’s nice about this question is that it provides concrete ways you’re willing to help. The age old “let me know how I can help” can be an extra mental task for the other person. Options can be: bringing food, helping with a household task, babysitting, spending time together, etc.
“When you feel ready to talk about it, I’m all ears”
This statement gives the other person the validation that it’s ok to not want to talk about hard things. It could be spending time with someone where you don’t have to talk about the elephant in the room.
“That sounds so challenging, I’m here to listen”
Let this person know you are willing to listen. Often times, people are worried about burdening others with their problems. By being the one to open up the option for discussion, it might help.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it”
Sometimes they are in the mood to chat, other times they aren’t. Occasionally when people are going through hard times, they feel their stressors are all they are talking about. It can be tiresome.
What NOT to Say
“It could be worse”
Of course, things can always be worse. This statement rarely helps people to feel validated or heard.
“At least you have other good things in your life”
Sometimes looking through a lens of gratitude can be helpful. If you choose this route, it is recommended to pair this with validation. Example: “what you’re going through is so challenging and you have good things in your life as well”. This is the duality of emotions, where things might be both hard and positive.
“Look at the positive!”
Looking at the positive rarely helps to diminish the hard things in life. The unhelpful part of this train of thought is that the good should outweigh the bad.
“It’s been X amount of time, you need to get over this”
Placing expectations on someone’s emotional struggles can be unhelpful. Not only can this make someone feel ashamed for the way they feel but it can lead to them not feeling comfortable to talk about it anymore.
“Everything happens for a reason”
When you are in the thick of grief, stress, or any challenges, it’s hard to fathom a “meaning” for those struggles. It’s okay if you individually believe this concept, but don’t push this message onto someone else.
“There are worse things in the world”
Just because someone somewhere has it worse doesn’t erase their hardship. These stressors don’t need to be compared to anything else.
Check Back In
Don’t forget to follow up. Depending on what this person is going through, they could need support over a period of time. Brief messages or gestures can let people know they aren’t forgotten. Following up can also be an opportunity to show your active listening skills from previous conversations.
You Don’t Have to Fix
Please remember, it is not your job to fix another person. It can be painful to watch someone you care about in pain, and it’s natural to want to take that pain away.
Even therapists aren’t capable of fixing others. Our job is to walk alongside people and provide support where they need.
People do not always want to be “fixed” or change. This can be hard to accept on the outside. The goal is to meet this person where they are.
Boundaries
Don’t forget that when a friend is going through a hard time, you are allowed to have your own boundaries about how you are willing to help. The way you support them, the frequency you show up, and the amount of energy you put into it is up to you to decide.
Nothing is Universal
Lastly, remember that this list does not apply to everyone. The way each person wants to be supported is very individualized. The lists above can help to give you a good running start but have realistic expectations for yourself and know that you can’t be perfect.
Taking time to read this blog and thinking about how to best support this person in your life shows how much you care about them! The little things really can make a difference in someone’s journey.
All of us go through rough patches, so let’s support each other!
Ready for Help?
If you or someone you know is going through a rough patch, therapy can be one of the sources of support! We know starting counseling can be scary.
If you have any questions about counseling, please utilize a free 15-minute consultation to ease the anxiety! Please don’t hesitate to reach out and see how we can help.
Feel free to reach out here to get scheduled and let’s work on coping with the lemon life throws you!
